Embracing the Person Under the Mask: How to Rediscover and Reclaim Your Neurodivergent Traits

Unmasking helps you identify changes that may enable you to feel more comfortable, connected, and alive.

Starting from a young age, many neurodivergent people (those with neurotypes seen as different from the norm, such as autism or ADHD) learn to repress, or mask, their true selves. Masking often begins as a trauma response to bullying or social rejection, with neurodivergent people being ostracized for behaviors or traits such as stimming, being intensely interested in one or more topics, and having different methods and understandings of socializing. As a result, many neurodivergent people learn to hide or repress these parts of themselves to fit in. While this may help them blend in more with their neurotypical peers, having to repress one’s true self can have serious consequences such as depression, anxiety, shame, PTSD, feeling disconnected from one’s identity, and increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Masking is a survival mechanism to navigate a world in which one’s social and physical safety, financial well-being, and educational and employment options can be threatened by stigma surrounding neurodivergence. At the same time, embracing one’s neurodivergent traits can help a person reconnect with the passions and freedom they once felt before they were forced into a neurotypical mold. Many can feel trapped at a crossroads of needing to protect themselves, while also wishing for the relief unmasking can bring.

In the last of our three-part series, we will be exploring how to find this relief by mindfully and safely unmasking. Read on to learn how to get to know the person underneath the mask, and questions to ask as you consider how to safely, and mindfully, unmask.

Missed Parts 1 and 2? Check out Part 1 to learn about the reasons (and costs) of masking, and Part 2 to learn about how these masks develop.

(Re)Discovering the Person Under the Mask

For some, unmasking can feel like a homecoming, a time to embrace parts of themselves they know they have hidden for a long while. For others, the idea of connecting to the person under the mask can feel new and terrifying. As social psychologist and autistic author Devon Price writes, “A life less trapped under the mask is possible for each of us. But building such a life can be extremely daunting. When we think about why we started masking in the first place, it tends to bring up a lot of old pain…before we examine our masks and learn to take them off, we must first recognize that the version of ourselves we’ve been hiding from the world is somebody we can trust.”

One way Price encourages people to connect to the person underneath is to engage in this Values-Based Integration Process by autistic life coach Heather R. Morgan. Morgan guides neurodivergents to connect to what truly matters to them by recalling moments in the past when they felt alive, energized, or filled with a sense of awe and wonder.  By taking time to reflect on these moments, neurodivergent people can remember that they are not broken–”...that the blueprint for building a worthwhile, authentic life already exists within you.”

Unmasking is also a process of unlearning shame. Many neurodivergent people grew up with painful labels such as arrogant, annoying, childish, weird, and sensitive in response to their beliefs or behaviors. Neurodivergent people can reflect on these labels and consider if they may actually reflect real strengths—that the traits that make them unique were stigmatized due to not being understood or appreciated. As Price writes, “[noncompliance] is only ‘bad’ if you’re looking at it from the outside, from the perspective of someone who seeks to control or restrict.” Neurodivergent individuals may ask themselves, “Was I really not empathetic as a child, or did my neurotypical teachers and caregivers not take the time to reflect on my inner experience?” “Am I actually childish, or joyful, curious, and fun?” “What if my sensitivity never deserved the criticism it received, but instead has made me especially skilled at understanding how others feel?” These personality traits and ways of thinking are not inherently bad, but may not have received the appreciation they deserved due to living in an unaccepting, ableist environment.

As a neurodivergent person begins this journey, they can start to reflect on how they would actually like to live, and what changes would help them feel more comfortable, connected, and alive.

How to Safely and Mindfully Unmask

The process of unmasking is unique for each person–and requires them to be aware of what can realistically be accomplished in their environment. Masking may be necessary in certain settings to stay physically, financially, and socially safe, with a person needing to identify where and how they might be able to safely get relief. 

A person can consider the masking behaviors that cause them the most strain and what they would like to change or have accommodated. One neurodivergent person may identify that they have been feeling confused by the way their manager gives directions, and stressed about meeting their unclear expectations. The person may identify that having detailed instructions and specific, measurable outcomes for their work would relieve this overwhelm and help them perform better. Another person may notice that they feel flooded when having serious conversations with their partner, and identify that being able to look away and do something with their hands while talking helps reduce their sensory overwhelm.

The person can then consider how other people in these situations may react to these requests, and how safe it might be to unmask in these environments. One neurodivergent person may feel comfortable enough with their manager to request more clear communication; another may not trust that their workplace would be neuro-affirming, and have to make the challenging decision to unmask elsewhere in order to sustain their livelihood. Those with other marginalized identities, such as people of color, women, and transgender and gender diverse neurodivergents may especially feel the need to be mindful of where and how they unmask in order to stay safe. 

If environments like work or public areas feel like risky places to unmask, neurodivergent people may consider ways they might unmask around supportive loved ones, or find neuro-affirming communities. They can consider joining an affiliate chapter of self-advocacy organizations such as the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, search for local disability justice or self-advocacy groups led by neurodivergent people, or browse sites like MeetUp.com to find social groups related to neurodivergence or one of their intense interests. Online forums for neurodivergent individuals and social media hashtags like #ActuallyAutistic and #Neurodivergence can also provide a sense of belonging and understanding if a person is struggling to find a safe community near them.

Unmasking can be a long, slow process, and bring feelings of fear, joy, curiosity, confusion, and anger as a person rediscovers themselves and confronts how ableism has impacted their life. Not everyone may be ready for this journey, to stand in defiance of an unaccepting society and reclaim the traits and behaviors that make them their true selves. It is okay to not be ready, or to need help moving forward. If you are a person embarking on this journey, I encourage you to connect with a neuro-affirming therapist or trusted loved one to partner with you on this path. The road may be winding, with bumps along the way, and, as many unmasked neurodivergent people report, it is so often worth it.

References

Get Involved. Autistic Self Advocacy Network. https://autisticadvocacy.org/get-involved 

How "unmasking" leads to freedom for autistic and other neurodivergent people. Garcia, Eric & Keane, Meghan. NPR. April 18, 2022. https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world

Masking and mental health implications. Fede, Jacquelyn & Laurent, Amy. Neuroclastic. October 5, 2020. https://neuroclastic.com/masking-and-mental-health-implications/

Pearson, Amy & Rose, Kieran. (2020). A conceptual analysis of autistic masking: Understanding the narrative of stigma and the illusion of choice. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342960559_A_Conceptual_Analysis_of_Autistic_Masking_Understanding_the_Narrative_of_Stigma_and_the_Illusion_of_Choice

Price, Devon. (2022.) Unmasking autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity (pp. 13, 14, & 143). Harmony Books.

Unmasking. Morgan, Heather R. Powered by Love. May 8, 2020. https://poweredbylove.ca/2020/05/08/unmasking/ 

The workplace masking experiences of autistic, non-autistic neurodivergent and neurotypical adults in the UK. Pryke-Hobbes, A., Davies, J., Heasman, B., Livesey, A., Walker, A., Pellicano, E., & Remington, A. PLoS One. September 6, 2023. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10482295/